I can only imagine ......

Dear friends,

do take time to finish this clip....the father's love for his son can only be imagined. But we all have a Heavenly Father whose love we can experience, as long as we open up our hearts to Him.

This clip is a great encouragement to me ... reminding me once again of my Father's love for me, His strong arms and how He pulls me along and lift me up when i am too tired to move on. I can only imagine the Day when i stand in His presence.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

Hebrews 12:1



I can only imagine

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By Your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When Your face
Is before me
I can only imagine

{Chorus}:
Surrounded by Your glory,
what will my heart feel
Will I dance for You Jesus
or in awe of You be still
Will I stand in Your presence
or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah,
will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine. (less)

Reach ... Reach higher for your dreams

20th November 2007 10.10pm (Singapore time)/9.10pm (Cambodian time)
Divine appointment - MSN chat

I first knew him two and a half years ago in Cambodia. He was my first Cambodian friend, the first who bought me around Phnom Penh, the first who exposed me to the culture. He got a scholarship to study in the Singapore Management University. He achieved it through his own diligence and determination in the Cambodian education system consumed by corruption. I distinctly remembered our conversation that day - two and a half years ago.

" What made you study Economics in Singapore?"
" So that i can come back and help Cambodia. I want to return to help my country to build up the economy.In that way, i can help my people out of poverty."

This is his dreams.

He has got a good heart too. When he returned to Cambodia during his term break, instead of spending time with his famiy and friends, he chose to come over to our orphanage to volunteer as a translator for 2 months or so. This is how i got to know him.

Cambodia indeed need people like him - leaders of tomorrow with dreams and passion to help their own people. Leaders like him who cared enough for the majority - the poor. I am looking forward and will be praying for your return, my dear friend.

We lost touch.

Yesterday, we met again on msn.

"I am back in Phnom Penh (Cambodia), working in a bank now ... I have been drinking alot these days ... This is what the Cambodian adults in Phnom Penh do ... i just feel that time is slipping by ... "
My heart sank. Where did the youth with the zeal, passion and fervour to help his people went? What happened to your dreams?

More often than not, it is not easy to go against the tide, to fight solitary against a brutal system that wouldnt budge. It is not easy to live your dreams. But my dear friend, never give up.It is one small step at a time...with courage and determination, you can make a difference to your people. Life is a journey, a race. Continue to believe and i know you will be stronger, and you can reach higher for your dreams.

I will be cheering for you. I will be praying for you. Continue my dear friend, to live your dreams, to reach higher for your people.

Chorng, take heart, this is specially for you...



Artist: Gloria Estefan
Album: Destiny (1996)

Some dreams live on in time forever
Those dreams, you want with all your heart
And I’ll do, whatever it takes
Follow through with the promise I made
Put it all on the line
What I hoped for at last would be mine

If I could reach, higher
Just for one moment touch the sky
From that one moment in my life
I’m gonna be stronger
Know that I’ve tried my very best
I’d put my spirit to the test
If I could reach

Some days are meant to be remembered
Those days we rise above the stars
So I’ll go the distance this time
Seeing more the higher I climb
That the more I believe
All the more that this dream will be mine

If I could reach, higher
If I could, if I could
If I could reach
Reach, I’d reach, I’d reach
I’d reach, I’d reach so much higher
Be stronger.

Foolish me, but I will follow Him

16th November 2007
I rejected a job offer which promises me a salary far beyond my expectation. I turned it down. How foolish! I am now waiting for another offer - same nature of work from another special school. They have yet to get back to me and i very much doubt they would offer me the same salary. The draw from the school is that they have got a group of dedicated and passionate Christian teachers. I lamented, shamefully with a tinge of 'resentment'. Foolish me! How foolish!
Then it strike me how easily i can too be tempted and lured by monetary rewards.

No one can serve two masters.Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money.

Matthew 6:24

Thank you Father for this reminder.

God, am i hearing You correctly this time? Did You make a mistake, i wonder. Father, which way? Is this the lesson of Faith and Trust in You that You want me to learn, trusting that You have only the very best for me?

If you, then though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

Matthew 7:11

Father, indeed You are in control of every step in my life. There are NEVER any mistakes in Your sovereignty. Even when i am too blinded to see You, too deafen to hear You, i know that You are still there. And because nothing happens in any particular unless Your will is in it, i know i can place complete confidence and trust in You. Father, although i am feeling rather lost at the moment, i know that Your gentle Hand will be leading and guiding me.
Into Your Hands i place my hope, my future.

I will follow Him, follow Him where ever He may go ......

Indescribable

Indeed Lord, i cannot fathom Your thoughts, Your ways and Your directions. But i know Lord, You only have the very best for me. You are indescribable, uncontainable and all powerful. You are an amazing God. Lord, I just want to place my future into Your loving and mighty Hands.

Your child,
xiuli

In His Time

In His Time In His Time
He makes all things beautiful in His Time
Lord, please show me everyday
As you're teaching me Your way
That you do just what you say
In Your Time

In Your Time In Your Time
You make all things beautiful in Your Time
Lord, my life to you i brng
Make each song i have to sing
be to you a lovely thing
In Your Time

19th October 2007

After i updated the previous post, this song came to me. It was a song which i learnt since Primary school. When this song replayed once again in my mind, tears starting streaming down. It was a song that i kept in Cambodia, believing that the Lord will indeed make ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL IN HIS TIME. As the tears flow, images of the villages in Camodia came flooding back. The women in their kramas, the naked children with their dirty faces, legs and hands, the wrinkled and bended grandmothers, the rubbish dumps outside their houses....they just all came back.

Father, is this You crying for your lost children out there?

My heart aches for them once again. I realized too that i had gradually been drawn into the various mind and time captivating activites in this cosmopolitan city. I realized how i had been so self centered and immersed in my own affairs since i return, that i had even gradually forgotten them in my prayers. I had forgotten to pray for them.

Father, i thank You for beckoning me back to your heart.

Everything has its Time

To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven

A time to be born,
and a time to die;
A time to plant,
And a time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill,
And a time to heal;
A time to break down,
And a time to build up;
A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones,
And a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace,
And a time to refrain form embracing;
A time to gain,
And a time to lose;
A time to keep,
And a time to throw away;
A time to tear,
And a time to sew;
A time to keep silence,
And a time to speak;
A time to love,
And a time to hate;
A time of war,
And a time of peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 - 8 (NKJV)

Father, i do not know what is your portion for me during this season.There are many things that i do not understand. But i want to continue to place my trust in You and You alone. Call me, catch me back when i run ahead. I just want to walk along with You.

Up ... Down ...

Ever felt really up and really down all within a day? This is what i am feeling now. Torn.

I was really happy that today is the end of a worrisome journey for a dear sister when we went to collect the medical report for her CT scan. It revealed no cancerous cells in her body...and this marks the end of the visits to NUH. We gleefully waved NUH goodbye as we walked out of the hospital. We are thankful for His mercy and lessons learnt during this journey. It is my 'UP' for today.

1101.My Down came this morning when i received the news that she ran out of the Home. I prayed and committed her to the Lord. I know He would keep her safe.

2000.i finally received a phonecall from her.She was in a friend's house.At least she is safe.

2345.Another call from her in tears and shouting in the background. My heart frozed. My mind raced ...'No, i would not go down to pick her now. She needs to learn. No. I would not even go down to the police station now. She needs to learn. No. I will not 'rescue' her this time. She needs to learn. No. I will not even meet her tomorrow. She needs to learn. She needs to learn to bear the consequences.'

0013.Another call from her from the public phone. They have called the police. They will be picking her up right now. Thank God. At least i know that she will be safe.

My heart really pains and cries out to her. I do not know if i am doing the right thing this time. But she needs to learn. Dear Lord, teach me to trust and commit her into your mighty and loving Hands. I know you love her much more than i do.

My dear girl, if you ever read this, i just want you to know that my decision for not going down and being there for you when you are most frighten and lost is not because i had given up on you, nor that i do not love you anymore. It hurts and pains me to stand by my decision right now. But i know, i am doing it because you really needs to learn the lesson of bearing the consequences of your decision. I love you too much to protect you anymore than that i had already done, least you fall into decisions with more dire consequences. It pains me equally to see you going through it alone right now. I hope to let you know that despite me not being there with you physically, you are in my heart and in my prayers. Dear girl, remember what i always tells you, Turn to Jesus when you are most frighten and lost and He would be there for you. He will send His angels to surround and protect you. Just turn to Him and believe.

Today is also the first time that i ever wished that you can be with me during these painful waiting hours. But i understand. Rest assure, i do.

If we hold on together

Don't lose your way, with each passing day
You've come so far, don't throw it away.
Live believing, dreams are for weaving
Wonders are waiting to start.
Live your story, faith, hope and glory
Hold to the truth in your heart.

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die.
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I.

Souls in the winds learn how to bend
Seek out a star, hold on till the end.
Valley, mountain, there is a fountain
Washes our tears all away.
Worlds are swaying, someone is praying
Please let us come home to stay.

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die.
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I.

When we are out there in the dark
We'll dream about the sun.
In the dark we'll feel the light
Warm our hearts every one.

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die.
Dreams see us through to forever
As high as souls can fly
The clouds roll by
For you and I.

Music by James Horner
Lyrics by Will Jennings

The Cs that i seek for ......

As conversation topics and catch ups with friends inevitably evolve around relationships, marriage, housing, finances, careers, the 6 Cs that Singaporean women seek for in their life partners came to my mind. This was many years ago and i am not sure how the Cs must have evolved now, but from memory lane, the Cs are ……

1. Career
2. Cash
3. Credit cards
4. Condominium
5. Cars
6. Country clubs memberships

As I ponder upon the above Cs, I realized that they are all fleeting and temporal external material assets. They can be easily taken away in a crisis, in a moment. They are articles with no lasting value, objects which we cannot bring forth with us when we leave the earthly realms. Can we and do we really find happiness and security from these Cs? I very much doubt so. In our worldly measure, can wealth ever be enough, be in abundance, be in excess? I do not think so. Is it not in our human nature to crave and seek for more, even with the much that we already had? It will always be a continual race to add, to multiply, to upgrade.

I seek not for the above. But that does not mean my ‘criteria’ for my life partner is any less stringent than that of the world. I actually have got more Cs in mind…..

Christ as the Lord and Saviour in my man,
Cleansed must he be by the blood of the lamb
Contentment with what he is given
Compassion as the ruling guide for all His Creation
Charitable heart in him for the sick, poor and needy
Consideration he possessed, even for the unworthy
Confidence he must have in our Lord, our Master
Commitment, steadfastness to His Mission, his Creator
Character in him that brings glory
Conduct, integrity, pleasing to our Lord Almighty
Consistent must he be
Credibility in him, his work I must see
Counsel he must give to set people free
Conviction of salvation must rule in thee

These are the Cs that I seek,
And I believe my Lord my Master will bring me to him as He deems fit.

What are the Cs that you are looking for?

Waiting

Steadfastness, that is holding on;
patience, that is holding back;
expectancy, that is holding the face up;
obedience, that is holding one's self in readiness to go or do;
listening, that is holding quiet and still so as to hear.

S.D Gordon

Yes, Lord, i will learn to wait.I will place my trust and faith in you, knowing that you only has the very best for me and nothing can be taken away nor added to your plans.

Small voices: Stories of Cambodian Children

Do we hear their voices?

All to Jesus I surrender

All to Jesus I surrender, ALL to Him i freely give
I will ever love and trust Him
In His presence daily live

I surrender all
I surrender all
All to thee, my blessed saviour
I surrender all

All to Jesus, I surrender, humbly at His feet i bow
Worldy pleasure all forsaken
Take me, Jesus, take me now

ALl to Jesus i surrender
Make me, Saviour, wholly Thine
Let me feel the Holy Spirit
Truly know that Thou art mine

All to Jesus i surrender, Lord I give myself to Thee
Fill me with Thy love and power
Let thy blessings fall on me



This is a familiar song that we often hear.When i sang it in the past, it is often words with a heartfelt desire and willingness of " YEs LOrd, i am willing to surrender my ALL to you." This is often in the absence of situations that requires us to truly surrender our all.

Recently, this song came back to me. " Am i willing to surrender my all to Him? "

I asked Jesus, "How much do you love me?"
"This much." He answered and He stretched out His arms and died.

"Yes, Lord, I am yours. I can do everything through You who gives me strength"

Still

This is for you - my dear friends who are hurting and lost.Although no one may seems to understand or even provide an answer for your situation at this moment, but be assured, our Father in heaven sees our every single tear drops and collects them in heaven. I hope that this song will encourage you as much as it had encouraged and lifted me.

Let Go and Let God

As children bring their broken toys, with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams (thoughts) to God, because He is my friend.
But then instead of leaving Him in peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help with ways (thoughts) that were my own.
At last, I snatched them back again and cried, “How can you be so slow?”
“My child”, He said,” What could I do? You never let go.”

Anonymous

I fear the possibility of complications. I fear going through the tests and jabs. I fear the possibility of another diagnosis which I don’t think at this juncture, I am prepared to go through it again even with the Lord. When the Lord asked, “Xiuli, are you willing to accept whatever I am going to give you for my sake and glory?” Ashamedly, my answer was a definite “No. No Lord, Not again. I don’t think I can handle it, even with You. No Lord. No.”

I didnt realised till now how 'tramautised' i was over all the jabs and scans. Now i know i must have been carried in His Hands all along during the jabs and surgery. It must have been His Grace and Strength that kept me going on so calmly and confidently.

However I refused to surrender this time. I refused to draw from His Strength. No Lord, I am not willing. I do not want to go through the series of tests and jabs again. No Lord, please no. I pleaded. I did not want to surrender. I did not want to see the doctor. I did not even want to bring my fears and thoughts to God.

Finally after struggling for a week, I decided to take the first step and brought my thoughts to the Lord in my bedtime prayers last night. Father, teach me and grant me the courage to “Let Go”. Father, teach me to surrender, just as Abraham did.

Father, I want to place my trust in You.

I want to be a candy man

Enjoy the song ;o)


Everyone has been asking me what I am doing now. Somehow, the word ‘unemployed’ seems a taboo. I went to the East Coast Park with my family last Saturday and saw the cotton candy man selling candy floss. A funny and cheeky thought came to me – I want to sell cotton candy ;o)

Allow me to indulge in my fantasy for the moment ( while I still can ;P)…… I want to be a Candy man.


hmm, or perhaps this kind of candy shops?

Pray and believe and it shall be done

But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double minded man, unstable in all he does.
James 1: 6-8

30th May 2007, night

Ask and you will receive. I am ashamed and guilty that I often asked with little confidence and true conviction that I will receive. But God is good. He had never disappointed me. Nevertheless, the lesson of ‘Praying with faith’ is one that I must learn.

All the children, the staffs in the orphanage, the congregation in Prey Veng Christian Centre (PVCC) and the Methodist church (Prey Veng), my brothers and sisters from Emmaus EFC, Bedok Methodist church and many who care were all praying for me – for my haemoglobin to rise to a surgery safety level i.e from 8.2g/dL to 12g/dL and above.


“We are all praying for you”
“It’s not possible. It would be a miracle if it happens.”
“Siewlee, we are all praying for you, believing that Jesus loves you and He will cause your haemoglobin to rise. We are praying and believing that it will happen. How could you not believe and doubt what God can do for you?”

I was ashamed. I had actually doubted what my loving and mighty God would and could do for me.

“Have faith in God,” Jesus answered. “I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him.” Mark 11:23

Then on, I prayed with my whole heart, really believing that my Lord will perform the miracle. He did.


My prayer life changed. I used to pray with words, now I learned to pray with my heart.

If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer – Matthew 21: 22

" Sister, sister ......"

"Sister, sister ......" - how once these words meant attention, problems, giving and energy. That day, these words meant fragrant offerings and love.

“Sister, sister” - these words still ring loudly in my mind. How I wish I could still hear them once again.

25th May – 1st June 2007

Despite the anaemia label hanging over me then, I was granted the privilege of returning to Prey Veng Province, Cambodia – my home for the last 2 years. I am grateful for my parents’ permission to return and to my brothers and sisters in Christ for your prayers and blessings. I also appreciate the thoughts and intentions of some of you who wanted to accompany me back on this trip. I know many of you were worried and I really appreciate all your intercessions. Thank you very much.

When the vehicle turned into the orphanage, I was overwhelmed with the reception and greetings from the children and the staff.

“ Sister, how are you?”
“ Sister, you gave me your blood last year, now I am well, I can give my blood to you”
“ Sister, how much blood do you need? I can give mine to you.”
“ Sister, we were so worried and we miss you very much.”
“Sister, please don’t leave us.”
“ Sister, we have been praying for you three times a day.”
“ Sister, are you still in pain?”
“ Sister, when is your operation?”
“Sister, what did the doctor said?”
“Sister, are you ok?”
……….

I was deeply touched by their love and generosity. Father, I thank you for them, for each of their prayers, for their love, for their hearts. I thank you for the numerous lessons they had taught me.

Father, I pray that you would also teach me to do the same – to forgive, to love, to give and to intercede.

Father, I pray that you will continue to shower your abundant blessings upon each and everyone in the orphanage, you will continue to guide them in Your way and you will keep the evil one far away.

Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
Ephesians 5: 1 – 2

My Physician, My Healer, My Lord

But for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.

Psalm 73: 28

7th May 2007

That night, I was in bed, deeply burdened by the numerous on-goings in the orphanage in the past week. As usual, I said my bedtime prayers.

However, something was different that night. My CD player was on with some gospel tracks and my standing reading lamp was turned on beside my bed. I was certain I was awake. It was an overflowing sense of comfort and warmth I felt then. I knew I wasn’t alone. He was with me.

I sense a vision of a doctor bending over me on my left, examining me.

I had been having prolonged menstruation since December 2006. The inconvenience and discomfort had silently integrated into my daily life.

“Lord, is there something really physically wrong with me?” I asked.

I had never liked to consult the doctors even in Singapore due to the high charges. In fact, I had never seen a doctor during my 2 years in Cambodia. I always believe in mind over body and self medication.

It was not a rebuke that night, commanding me to see a doctor. It was simply a gentle nudge urging me that something needs to be done. I was troubled. “Father, are you calling me back to Singapore for a check up?”

I made the eccentric decision to return to Singapore for a check up. And that was the start of another journey with Him on 11th May 2007.

Through this encounter with Him, I can’t help but am amazed at my God – at how He preserved me and how He led me back.

We are often asked who Jesus is to us - Our Saviour, our Lord, our King, our Strength, our Shepherd, our Comforter …….

That night, Jesus was my Physician, who cautioned and convinced me that I needed to seek medical help. His favour must have been upon me.

Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare. – Psalm 40: 5

Thank you Jesus, Thank you my Lord.

This Little Light of Mine

This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine. (3x)
Let it shine.(3x)

Hide it under a bushel?
No! I'm gonna let it shine. (3x)
Let it shine. (3x)

Won't let Satan blow it out,
I'm gonna let it shine. (3x)
Let it shine. (3x)

Let it shine till Jesus comes,
I'm gonna let it shine. (3x)
Let it shine. (3x)

Choices

It has been a long time since I wrote ......

Events had rushed past me in the last 2 months since I first returned to Singapore on 10th May. I had been carried along by events. I just had to move on. The diagnosis came as a shock to myself and to people around. I had no time to process through, i had no time to wrap myself in self pity or questions. I know i just had to move on. In my quiet moments, i know my Father, my Lord will be with me. Deep down, i know He will carry me through. I know many people were worried and anxious. I know i just had to be strong in the Lord – for myself and for the people who loved and cared. I am also greatly blessed by the numerous numerous prayers petitions. I had also witnessed God's miracle, providence and His love during this season. I feel really blessed, like God's precious princess warrior. I had wanted to testify, but somehow, after the surgery, my spirits dipped and dived all the way down. But i know, i still had to be strong for the people around me. Ironically, when i am physically weakest, i no longer wanted to be a princess. I wanted just to be a warrior, to be strong and healthy.

I am no longer carried along by events. I had reached the destination after the surgery. The surgery was the end point. I was then threshed to embark on another journey – the journey of Rest – one of which i am not mentally prepared for. Time is what i have. I started to question, to wonder, to doubt and even to resent. I was fearful of the journey ahead. I could see no end to this journey. “ Why? Then what, my Lord? When will this end? What next? Father, which way then?” I feel lost, helpless, useless.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.

As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Isaiah 55:8 – 9

Every task such as eating, drinking, going to the toilet and bathing seems a burden – it just zapped up all my energy. It was frustrating. Even a little tickle in my throat drove me to tears – i could not cough nor sneeze because it hurts the wound tremendously. I reacted to the antibiotics – diarrhea. I could not even laugh – the stitch hurts. The first week after the surgery seems the longest week yet in my life. It moved so slowly. I did not want to be a princess anymore – to be served and waited upon. I want to be up and moving.

“How are you feeling?” I know they cared. I did not want to lie, neither did i know how to answer the question. How am i suppose to tell people how i am feeling? I can't. Everyone around me seems so busy moving along with life, with packed schedules and deadlines. How could i bother anyone? How could i have the right to steal their already jammed packed hours? I cant. After all, i am the one who is supposedly ' very fortunate' at this moment because i can get to rest all i want. After all, i the one who is most free, who can sleep till late hours. How could i bother anyone with my self destructing thoughts and wild questions? I just want to get well and move on in life.

Jesus loves me. He was, He is and He will be with me. I know He has plans for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. ( Jer 29:11). It was tough. I know He must had planned this for me and had allowed it to happen. I know this is His discipline of Rest for me. I know i had to learn the lesson of humility, the lesson of receiving, the lesson of stillness. I know i had to learn the lesson of trust and obedience. I know He had allowed this to happen for a purpose – a greater purpose yet revealed to me. Toughest lessons yet for me.

There remains, then a sabbath-rest for the people of God; for anyone who enters God's rest also rests from his own work, just as God did from his. Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will fall by following their example of disobedience.
Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus Christ the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess.

Hebrews 4: 9 – 11, 14.

Father, teach me, discipline me, to learn the lessons you had set forth for me. Father, teach me not to eager for short cuts, easy ways. Father, teach me to walk along with you and not ahead. Father, open my eyes, open my heart to see your ways. Father, open my ears to hear you.

I thank God for placing timely angels along my path during this season – angels who prayed for me, who encouraged me, who cheered me on. Thank you. It had been 3 weeks since i was wheeled into the freezing operating theater. I know i have a choice – i can either continue to dwell in self destructing thoughts, or i can choose to give thanks and recall His blessings and move on for His greater purpose. I have decided to move on.

It was you, my dear friends and brothers and sisters in Christ – your prayers, your love, your time, your concerns, your thoughts, your encouragements and your cheers that carried me though this period. Now, i have chosen to look back to share His love, His providence, lessons learned and i have chosen to look forward to His greater promises and greater plans for me.



The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3: 17

Stillness

BE STILL, AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD - Psalm 46:10a

Sister, this is for you. Don't cry anymore ......

By day the LORD went ahead of me in a pillar of cloud to guide me on my way ...... Exodus 13: 21

8th May 2007, morning

“I am booking a ticket and returning back to Singapore to see a doctor” I declared suddenly. I will be taking the first flight out on 10th May.

“i will most likely be back in a weeks time”. I assured the staff and children. I did not even bring my laptop nor any of my soft toys along. I was confident that i will be fine and i will be back.

9th May 2007, afternoon

“What time is your flight? I will pick you up.”, Big sister

“I can get the doctor to write a meno for subsidy and arrange for an appointment for you.”, Second sister.

10th May 2007, morning devotion with the staff, 7.30am

Mark 5: 21 – 43

He said to her, “ Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.” Mark 5:34

My staff prayed for me.

10th May 2007, morning, 8.56am

“Hi Praise God! Dr Kek made a very special concession for you. This slot is especially created for you. You must be at Mount Elizabeth by 8am sharp on the 11th, Friday.”, sister – in – Christ.

Dr Kek is a Christian gynecologist, one of the best in the circle.

10th May, 2007, afternoon at a friend's place, 3.47pm, Phnom Penh

“My Lord, what is happening to me? i am tired. Really tired. Grant me rest.”, I pleaded with tears streaming down. Alone in the living room.

“You can sleep in my room if you want......” , sister – in- Christ.

10th May 2007, night at Pochentong international airport. 8.00pm

“Hey,you are returning home too?” I bumped into a missionary who had been serving in Cambodia for 10 years.

“ I am returning to see a doctor.......”

“I had numerous fibroid growth. I went for the first surgery to remove them, but ultimately, the doctor removed my whole uterus the second time as he said the chances of it recurring is very high.....yes, it is an open surgery to remove the fibroids.”

“ Father, let it not be fibroids.”, i brushed it aside. It could not happen to me. I am still so young. It is just some hormonal imbalance.

11th May 2007, morning at the clinic, Mount Elizabeth Hospital

“I see a very big uterus. I see a very large fibroid growth. It is pressing down on your bladder. You will need to go for a surgery as soon as possible to remove it.”, doctor.

Blank.

I did not know how i made it home alone that day.

11th May 2007, afternoon, home

“You are very anemic. Your hemoglobin level is only at 8.2g. The normal is at least 12 - 13g. You need to bring it up to at least 10 or 11g before we can do the surgery. You need to take a double dosage
of the iron tablets.Your heart is already compensating. You must not exert yourself.”, doctor called to inform.

Shocked.

I was very very tired. But i just could not sleep that afternoon.

Prayed.

See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way and to bring you to the place I have prepared – Exodus 23:20
As i recount my hours and days, indeed my Lord had sent numerous angels ahead of me.

Father, grant me courage to journey along with You during this season.

Peace.



Do not be afraid my child, I will be with you in each and every step.

God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will i forsake you.” (Heb 13: 5)

Sin of Omission

28th April 2007

Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins. - James 4:17

Sin of omission. What is it exactly about?


I was disturbed during the meeting with my colleagues and director today. My director had wrongly accused a volunteer of a justifiable angry grumble - which i totally understood where the volunteer was coming from. Yet, none of us spoke up. None. Silence.

Father, what would You have done? Would You have spoken up? Is this what You meant by sin of omission? I really felt bad then after the meeting. However i am not sure if i should have spoken up though.

Father, teach me discernment and wisdom to know the times when i should speak up, and those when i should keep silent.

Father, will you accept my small cake of bread?

27th April 2007

Together with my colleagues, i went through a management training course by my executive director this afternoon. The topic was on strengths, weaknesses and talents of ourselves, staffs and children.

Talents ( as defined by my director ) - Whatever you can do repeatedly very well and very fast; something which not many people can do better than you.

“ What is your talent?”

I was taken aback for a moment. I recalled a conversation with a friend. “ Hey Siew Lee, you can't cook, you can't swim, you don't really play sports, you don't drive, you can't sing. What can you exactly do?” What are my talents, my strengths?

I used to think patience is my strength, until i realized how short tempered i can be.
I used to think i am empathic, until i realized how cynical i can get.
I used to think i am caring, until i realized how hardhearted i had became.
I used to think i am loving, until i realized how self – centered thoughts had engulfed me.

Father, what are my strengths? My spiritual gifts? Seriously at this stage of my life, i have got no answer.

She replied, “ I don't have any bread – only a handful of flour in a jar and a little oil in a jug. I am gathering a few sticks to take home and make a meal for myself and my son, that we may eat it – and die.” - 1 Kings 17: 12b

My dear friends, no. I am not slipping into depression. For i know that our Lord has given us different gifts according to His grace. I just have yet to realize mine.

Though i cannot cook, much less bake, i am certain that my Father will accept my surrendered cakes of bread made from my handful of flour and drops oil - smashed, tasteless, half baked, burnt pieces - He will take them All.

Elijah said to her,” Don't be afraid. Go home and do as you have said. But first make a small cake of bread for me from what you have and bring it to me, and then make something for yourself and your son. For this is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: 'The jar of flour will not be used up and the jug of oil will not run dry until the day the Lord gives rain on the land. She went away and did as Elijah had told her. So there was food everyday for Elijah and for the woman and her family. - 1 Kings 17: 13 – 15

Father, here are my tiny little pieces of burnt and smashed bread. I am giving them to you. Take it.

Child-like Faith, Child-like Courage

She is a 5 year old girl, with faith as mighty as a mustard seed. Together with her older siblings, they went home to their grandmother's house during the Khmer (Cambodian) New Year two weeks ago.
The youngest and tiniest among her siblings, she, boldly 'rebuked' their grandmother for praying to the idols, 'they are the devils!!' she boldly proclaimed!
Such mighty faith, such conviction, such courage.

“ Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?”
He called a little child and had him stand among them. And he said: “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.”

Matthew 18:1 – 4

Father, teach me child-like faith and total trust in you. Father, grant me courage and boldness to proclaim your name.

Caught

The police got her.

Is that you Jesus?

It was a dark and stormy night. i was down with a high fever, and there, it came! The perpetual 'sister, sister' knock on my door ( hmm, it is like the 2nd one within that hour) – just when i was about to fall asleep. Arrghhh, should i simply ignore it? It persisted and sounded urgent. Reluctantly, i crawled out of bed and answered the knock.

“ There is a lady who speaks only Mandarin wandering alone in the streets in the market. It is not safe. Can you speak to her?” came the request from the stranger.

I asked a few questions, reluctantly got my umbrella and paddled through the muddy streets of jumping frogs.

“ There she is.”

“ Come over to my place for the night. It is not safe out here.” I offered, yearning to return to bed.

“So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” Matthew 7:12.

This verse rang loudly in my mind.

“ Shall i cook you a bowl of noodle?”

She ate. She apparently hasn't bathe nor had a proper meal for days.

I was deeply concerned. Through the bits i gathered from her pieces ( in my very limited Mandarin vocabulary), she traveled without documentation into Cambodia from Vietnam. However she claims that they ( she and her ' revolutionary movement') were given protection by the United Nations (UN) troops, thus they were allowed to move freely between the borders to seek asylum. Many questions remained evaded, more doubts surfaced. I was deeply burdened. What shall i do Lord? Grant me wisdom i pleaded desperately. I was frightened.

“For i was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in .....The king will reply,' I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least brothers of mine, you did for me.'” Matthew 25:35 – 40.

Suddenly it all made sense. Is that you Lord? In spite of all the rational speculations, 'danger' and anxiety involved in keeping her for the night, it suddenly dawned on me – Lord, is that you out there in the stormy night – cold, wet and hungry?

“ Come in my Lord, drink and have a bowl of noodle.”

Our Father's heart for the poor and needy

Today, i cried again. Even as i am typing this, ceaseless tears are still rolling down.
Why, i ask the Lord, Why? Somehow it seems like my heart is torn, stabbed, broken.

No. This time it wasn't tears of loneliness, fears, frustrations nor anger. It was tears of petitions and pleads.

I was listening to an audio sermon titled 'Helping the poor and needy'. The pastor was sharing about our Father's heart for the poor and needy and the church's community service projects in Singapore. Suddenly, images of the Cambodian villagers – the poor, needy and forgotten flashed before me. Endless tears started streaming down. Why God? I asked. Why? Have you forgotten your children in this land? Where is the help, the social agencies for them? Father, have mercy and extend your grace to us, to the people here.

Cambodia. I had grown to fall in love with the land, with the people. Unknowingly, in the midst of my journey here for the last 2 years, i had subconsciously learned to see beyond their adversities. I see beyond their pains, strength. I see beyond their materialistic poverty, capacity for simple joys. I see beyond their struggles, resilience.I had learned humility.

I was in the village last week where i witnessed the struggles of a family.

A mother's tears.

In my four days staying over in the village, she hasn't changed her clothes nor had a single bath. Her eldest 17 year old son was 'demon possessed' or so the villagers claimed. He was perfectly fine prior and simply snapped after a fever one day. He was violent. He was tied to a bamboo table 24 hours a day. There were scars of self injuries and stretch marks (from the tying)all over his body. In other words, he was unkempt, dirty. In the family's already dire financial state, she had in addition to care for her mentally unsound husband (suspected schizophrenia), and a younger 6 year old son. ( 2 of her middle children were already in the orphanage. We had brought them back to visit their parents for the Khmer New Year.). Tears. She was broken. When I saw her son being tied to the table, my heart cried out to God.

Father, have mercy, extend your grace. Help them, Father. Ease their pains, comfort them. Be their strength.

A son's prayers.

We prayed for him, for the family. Her son actually repeated the words ( in Khmer) numerous times as we prayed, “ Jesus, help me, Jesus, help me.”

Holy Spirit, be with him, be with this family. Help him.

A father's offer.

Dinner in the district hospital. The family barely had enough food for their meals and depended largely on the goodwill of neighbours for their daily provision.
“Have you had your dinner?” asked the father.” Come, join me.”. He offered without calculation, without hesitation.

Father, teach me to do the same.

A brother's arm

We took the youngest 6 year old son back with us in the orphanage. His entire materialistic possession – the pair of faded, torn shorts on his bottoms ( without undergarment) and his overgrown slippers. As we journey on our 6 hour lorry journey back, his elder 14 year old brother simply placed his arm protectively and lovingly over his younger brother. Father, what a sight - such love, such warmth.

Father, teach me to love the poor, the needy, the forgotten. - to love with Your Heart, with such passion and love that comes from you.

Father, teach me to pray for this family, for this land.

" Defend the cause of the weak and fatherless; maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed.
Rescue the weak and needy;
deliver them from the hand of the wicked." Psalm 82: 3 - 4

Good Friday

What does Good Friday holds for you?

Just as there were many who were appalled at him -
his appearance was so disfigured beyond that of any man
and his form marred beyond human likeness
Isaiah 52:14

How Deep the Father's Love for us

How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the man upon a cross
My sin upon his shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts no power no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

Stuart Townend


He told them, “ This is what is written: The Christ will suffer and rise from the dead on the third day, and repentance and forgiveness of sins will be preached in his name to all nations, beginning at Jerusalem.” Luke 24: 46 - 47

hi...my first attempt at blogging. I just want to share my life journey with my family and friends back home. ;o)