Bereavement

I have never knew bereavement is so hard, especially with someone so close, so dear.

My greatgrandmother returned to the Lord last Thursday, 8th April at 2301, after a fight of 1 month 12 days with suspected lung cancer.We never had it investigated as no treatment can be administered. She is 93 years old. Oh, we then realised she is 91 when we were doing the craving on the slab for the niche. They followed her chinese zodiac - goat. That puts her at 91 years old. It was then exposed that she had to 'increase' her age so as to travel to Malaysia (from China) at the point of time.

I cannot cry. I am in the midst of my teaching practicum. I have 2 observations this week. I feel so disoriented and lost. Yes, i know i need time to grief, but not now. I cant. I have tasks to do, responsibilities to fulfill.

Every thought of her draws tears. It is so tough. Every piece of work that i am doing now reminds me of the time i spent in the ward with her - doing my markings,drafting my lesson plans, typing my diagnostic summaries etc. Even the scribbles of my lesson plan on the day she departed left imprints of her perimeter readings at 3pm - heartrate was 80, BP was 104/49. Her oxygen was 100% (on the oxygen mask). She was running a fever of 38.6 degrees.

I know I cannot grief now. Crying will make me tired. I need to move on and complete my teaching practicum. It is so hard. I know I cannot cry. It will just further drain me. Yet I am so afraid memories of her will just die off. I am so afraid she will just fade away - her words, her advice, her smiles, her 'Thank Yous', her 'complains', HER. It is so painful.

I dont really talk about it, lest i break down. I dont know how to express in speech. Thus i just hope to use this avenue to journal down my little thoughts of her. Perhaps then memories will be kept afresh. Perhaps then i may feel a little better.

I miss her alot.