I want 'you chay kway'

This is my greatgrandma's favourite food during her stay in the hospital - her all-time request. The only food she claims she can eat without vomiting. However she only manages 1 - 2 cm at any one time. That makes up a meal. Only a mouth full, but we were glad, she was eating.

26th March 2010 Friday.
She caught another infection and doctors' prognosis wasnt good. I took half day leave and went down. She requested for 'you chay kway' in the morning. I asked a colleague to buy when she goes out for lunch. The 'you chay kway' stall was closed that day. This wonderful colleague went to a dessert stall and got some.

That was the last day my greatgrandma ate her favourite 'you chay kway'.
Thank you Gladys for your kind heart.

Novena

For the first time since she left, i took the south bound train and past the Novena station on the MRT. I was on my way to church.

It hurts.

I was trying to fight back tears with the announcement, 'Novena'. It brought back memories when i took the almost daily trip to Tan Tock Seng Hospital. I remembered the times when i brought the Polar puffs and gobbled them down as my dinner as i was walking to the hosp. The long underground pass leading to the hosp. It was tiring and i remembered the many thougths of 'Oh God, when will she be discharged? How long more do i need to walk this long and winding path to the hospital?'

Novena. Novena Square. Tan Tock Seng. That was where i frequent for the past 1.5 months.
Kenny Rogers @ Novena Square. She likes the clear chicken soup and the rooaster wings. Even though she could only barely manage 3 bites at any one meal.
Kenny Rogers - my all time favourite resturant. I wonder if i would ever step in there again without tears and memories of Ah Chor.

Novena. Such a familiar station.....

Such a long and winding path.
Lord, what wouldnt I give to be able to walk that long winding underground pass once again just to hold her, talk to her and listen to her? Just to rub the flower oil on her chest, buy food for her, massage her side, paste her favourite Ji Kong medicated plaster for her? Just to take hot water for her, adjust her pillow and make sure she is comfortable?

Oh Lord, you are the strength of my heart.

Bereavement

I have never knew bereavement is so hard, especially with someone so close, so dear.

My greatgrandmother returned to the Lord last Thursday, 8th April at 2301, after a fight of 1 month 12 days with suspected lung cancer.We never had it investigated as no treatment can be administered. She is 93 years old. Oh, we then realised she is 91 when we were doing the craving on the slab for the niche. They followed her chinese zodiac - goat. That puts her at 91 years old. It was then exposed that she had to 'increase' her age so as to travel to Malaysia (from China) at the point of time.

I cannot cry. I am in the midst of my teaching practicum. I have 2 observations this week. I feel so disoriented and lost. Yes, i know i need time to grief, but not now. I cant. I have tasks to do, responsibilities to fulfill.

Every thought of her draws tears. It is so tough. Every piece of work that i am doing now reminds me of the time i spent in the ward with her - doing my markings,drafting my lesson plans, typing my diagnostic summaries etc. Even the scribbles of my lesson plan on the day she departed left imprints of her perimeter readings at 3pm - heartrate was 80, BP was 104/49. Her oxygen was 100% (on the oxygen mask). She was running a fever of 38.6 degrees.

I know I cannot grief now. Crying will make me tired. I need to move on and complete my teaching practicum. It is so hard. I know I cannot cry. It will just further drain me. Yet I am so afraid memories of her will just die off. I am so afraid she will just fade away - her words, her advice, her smiles, her 'Thank Yous', her 'complains', HER. It is so painful.

I dont really talk about it, lest i break down. I dont know how to express in speech. Thus i just hope to use this avenue to journal down my little thoughts of her. Perhaps then memories will be kept afresh. Perhaps then i may feel a little better.

I miss her alot.