歐得洋-孤單北半球

When I survey the Wondrous Cross

The sky was so dark and it was raining. It has been a long long time since I saw such dark sky. It seems to reflect my feelings, my mood. Its weird that I am so strangely calm and level minded. Despite the overcast sky, I feel comforted.

Dear Lord Jesus,

You see the depth of my heart. May your will be done and grant me the strength to be part of your perfect plan.

In Jesus' name, amen.

Show me Your Way Lord.

Show me Your ways
That I may walk with You
Show me Your ways
I put my hope in You

The cry of my heart
Is to love You more
To live with the
Touch of Your hand
Stronger each day
Show me Your ways

Dear Lord Jesus,

Indeed show me Your ways that I may walk with You. The cry of my heart is to love You more Lord, to live in the touch of your Hands, stronger each day Lord, Show me Your ways.

Your child.

Last Moments

My greatgrandmother has passed away for more than 4 months. Wounds however seem raw. I still hold back tears when I see an elderly. I still hold back tears when I think of her. I even think if I would ever bump into her on the street. I often think what it was like in her last days. As she was sedated, i often ponder what is going through her mind? Is she aware that we were with her? Can she hear us? Can she feel us? Is she comfortable? Is she aware of our conversations? Is there anything she wanted to say, to tell but couldnt?
I often recall her last words when she was awake. She said, ' I have a lot to say, but i dont know how to say.' She left it as that. She took her thoughts along with her.
Even when she suffered a stroke and went unconscious, she wanted to live. She shouted for a doctor.
What went through her mind then?

I blame myself. I hate myself for not talking more with her. I am guilty when I didnt want to talk about death, even when she did. I blame myself for not being able to get her out of the hospital into a nursing home - her last wish. She only wanted to get out.

What was on her mind? Did she blame me?

I couldnt even bring myself to look at her waist pouch she left behind.

I wonder, whats on her mind then?

She is a strong lady.

Indeed she is. She is strong and fiercely independent lady. Many people - doctors, nurses, friends have commented that she is a strong lady. She hung on despite a collasped lung. She suffered a stroke. She was on morphine. They finally sedated her. On 6th April, she stopped breathing for at least 20 seconds. This pattern continued for a while. She hung on. Docs prognosis wasnt good. He asked us to call everyone down. That was on 6th April, afternoon. All of us were there. Palliative doctor asked us to be prepared - its either the evening or in the night. At most, it will be next morning. We have gotten the pastor ready. We were prepared. That was on 6th April, Tuesday.

Strong lady she is. She hung on. Her organs were shutting. She fought on. Every visitor, every medical staff - the doctors, the nurses commented that she is a strong lady. They were amazed at her fighting spirit, her determination and her will to fight on. She hung on for another 3 days. She is a living miracle.


This is a balloon I bought for her, after figuring out that fresh flowers die easily. For the 3 weeks since I bought the balloon, it stood tall and straight. I always thought someone has been bringing it to the gift shop at the lobby to have the helium pump. Then, as i asked my family, relatives and the nurses, apparently none has been doing it. It stood tall and straight for 3 WHOLE WEEKS.
A strong balloon too. I brought it down to have it pumped after the 3rd week. It didnt last long. The next day, 5th April, i learnt that her left lung collasped. The balloon lost air too.

It seems silly, but somehow, the balloon seems to parallel her journey. It stood straight and upright, cheering for her. It stood straight and upright, lifting her spirits ( or rather mine) during her stay there. The day they found that her left lung collasped, it (the balloon) seemed to have shared the despair. It lose hope. It lose strength.

I didnt have it pumped again. i told everyone - the day the balloon loses all its air, it would also be the day that she will go. I hung on to the balloon. It gave me hope, yet i know she will go.

On 8th April, I flatten the balloon that night. She left. She has indeed got well in His presence. There is no more pain, no more tears, no more heartaches. She is well again indeed.


She is a strong lady and so will I be. We will meet again in heaven.

Her will

I dont know how to title this post, thus decided to name it 'Her will'. Afterall, we often link will to dividing a deceased's money.
Almost 2 months after she left, i finally sat down to work out the expenses and divided the remaining amount among her 3 grandchildren.

It amazed me on how an old lady like her could have accumulated almost $9000 ++ at her age. She was a frugal lady. As i took out her spare notes and coins from her pouch, i remembered a conversation we had. I couldnt exactly understand her thoughts, but it went along the line in not wanting the SMRT to earn her few cents. She had a elderly concession card and according to her, the concession was not valid during certain hours in the weekend. Thus, she claimed that she can save a few cents if she uses coins rather than her EZ link conceession card on non-concession period. That explains her heavy pouch with spare notes and coins.

She left some money for her decendents. I felt ashamed. During her stay in the hospital, there were plans to transfer her to a nursing home. We applied for a subsided nursing home, but due to the long waiting list, we had to move her to a private home first. A private nursing home is expensive, easily costing up at $ 2000 a month. As i was sourcing around and making the arrangement, i was concern about the cost. I was concern about the drain in my finances. It was a valid concern then. Yet, now as I divided her money, a deep sense of guilt came over me. I was concern about the finances she will incur during the stay in the nursing home, yet, now, i didnt fork out a single cent for the private nursing home, and in addition, she left money. I decided to divide it among her 3 grandchildren, i.e my uncle, my auntie and my mother. She left us something even when we gave her nothing.

That's my greatgrandmother.Frugal and selfless.

At a coffee joint

Today I went to a morning service and am now at a coffee joint - Gloria Jean's at Changi Airport.

As I am doing my lesson plans for next week, memories of my times at Starbucks Tan Tock Seng Hospital started flooding back.

I was at TTSH-Starbucks on the day Ah Chor was admitted.
I was at TTSH-Starbucks on the day Ah Chor departed.

27th Feburary, Saturday 2010.
After a very hectic week at the start of my teaching practicum and night classes everyday at YWAM, I finally caught my breath, visited my greatgrandmother with the intention of bringing her to the doctor to get a referral to a nursing home.

She was staying alone. I rang the bell and she opened the door. I am thankful. She walked and opened the door. She took a few bites of breakfast we bought her and we took her to Ang Mo Kio Polyclinic. Her blood pressure was very low and the doctor advised us to bring her to TTSH A & E immediately. The transfer from the wheelchair to the taxi were the last steps of her life.

That day, I waited for almost 5 hours in TTSH-Starbucks while she waited for a bed for admission in the ward. While she was resting in the waiting area, she said, "I am happy now. I dont mind dying here."
She hated the hospital and was resistant towards admission.
This time, she was too weak to resist. She was in comfort.

That marks the start of a long journey.

8th April, Thursday 2010.
Ironically, I was at TTSH Starbucks on the day she departed.
I took leave that day and was with her in the ward. I felt really sleepy in the humid weather and decided to perk myself up with a cup of coffee in the airconditioned Starbucks, while trying to do my lesson plans and resources for my lessons. I left around 3.30pm.
My mum visited at 4 plus. I was really tired and couldnt resist the idea of hitching a ride home in my dad's car. Afterall, my aunt will be arriving soon. I went up to say goodbye to greatgrandma and took some disposable cutlery back. That was the last time I spoke to her.

I blame myself for succumbing to tiredness.
I could have spend more time with her.

That night, she breathed her last.

I was at TTSH-Starbucks on the day she was admitted to Heaven.

I want 'you chay kway'

This is my greatgrandma's favourite food during her stay in the hospital - her all-time request. The only food she claims she can eat without vomiting. However she only manages 1 - 2 cm at any one time. That makes up a meal. Only a mouth full, but we were glad, she was eating.

26th March 2010 Friday.
She caught another infection and doctors' prognosis wasnt good. I took half day leave and went down. She requested for 'you chay kway' in the morning. I asked a colleague to buy when she goes out for lunch. The 'you chay kway' stall was closed that day. This wonderful colleague went to a dessert stall and got some.

That was the last day my greatgrandma ate her favourite 'you chay kway'.
Thank you Gladys for your kind heart.

Novena

For the first time since she left, i took the south bound train and past the Novena station on the MRT. I was on my way to church.

It hurts.

I was trying to fight back tears with the announcement, 'Novena'. It brought back memories when i took the almost daily trip to Tan Tock Seng Hospital. I remembered the times when i brought the Polar puffs and gobbled them down as my dinner as i was walking to the hosp. The long underground pass leading to the hosp. It was tiring and i remembered the many thougths of 'Oh God, when will she be discharged? How long more do i need to walk this long and winding path to the hospital?'

Novena. Novena Square. Tan Tock Seng. That was where i frequent for the past 1.5 months.
Kenny Rogers @ Novena Square. She likes the clear chicken soup and the rooaster wings. Even though she could only barely manage 3 bites at any one meal.
Kenny Rogers - my all time favourite resturant. I wonder if i would ever step in there again without tears and memories of Ah Chor.

Novena. Such a familiar station.....

Such a long and winding path.
Lord, what wouldnt I give to be able to walk that long winding underground pass once again just to hold her, talk to her and listen to her? Just to rub the flower oil on her chest, buy food for her, massage her side, paste her favourite Ji Kong medicated plaster for her? Just to take hot water for her, adjust her pillow and make sure she is comfortable?

Oh Lord, you are the strength of my heart.

Bereavement

I have never knew bereavement is so hard, especially with someone so close, so dear.

My greatgrandmother returned to the Lord last Thursday, 8th April at 2301, after a fight of 1 month 12 days with suspected lung cancer.We never had it investigated as no treatment can be administered. She is 93 years old. Oh, we then realised she is 91 when we were doing the craving on the slab for the niche. They followed her chinese zodiac - goat. That puts her at 91 years old. It was then exposed that she had to 'increase' her age so as to travel to Malaysia (from China) at the point of time.

I cannot cry. I am in the midst of my teaching practicum. I have 2 observations this week. I feel so disoriented and lost. Yes, i know i need time to grief, but not now. I cant. I have tasks to do, responsibilities to fulfill.

Every thought of her draws tears. It is so tough. Every piece of work that i am doing now reminds me of the time i spent in the ward with her - doing my markings,drafting my lesson plans, typing my diagnostic summaries etc. Even the scribbles of my lesson plan on the day she departed left imprints of her perimeter readings at 3pm - heartrate was 80, BP was 104/49. Her oxygen was 100% (on the oxygen mask). She was running a fever of 38.6 degrees.

I know I cannot grief now. Crying will make me tired. I need to move on and complete my teaching practicum. It is so hard. I know I cannot cry. It will just further drain me. Yet I am so afraid memories of her will just die off. I am so afraid she will just fade away - her words, her advice, her smiles, her 'Thank Yous', her 'complains', HER. It is so painful.

I dont really talk about it, lest i break down. I dont know how to express in speech. Thus i just hope to use this avenue to journal down my little thoughts of her. Perhaps then memories will be kept afresh. Perhaps then i may feel a little better.

I miss her alot.