Choices

It has been a long time since I wrote ......

Events had rushed past me in the last 2 months since I first returned to Singapore on 10th May. I had been carried along by events. I just had to move on. The diagnosis came as a shock to myself and to people around. I had no time to process through, i had no time to wrap myself in self pity or questions. I know i just had to move on. In my quiet moments, i know my Father, my Lord will be with me. Deep down, i know He will carry me through. I know many people were worried and anxious. I know i just had to be strong in the Lord – for myself and for the people who loved and cared. I am also greatly blessed by the numerous numerous prayers petitions. I had also witnessed God's miracle, providence and His love during this season. I feel really blessed, like God's precious princess warrior. I had wanted to testify, but somehow, after the surgery, my spirits dipped and dived all the way down. But i know, i still had to be strong for the people around me. Ironically, when i am physically weakest, i no longer wanted to be a princess. I wanted just to be a warrior, to be strong and healthy.

I am no longer carried along by events. I had reached the destination after the surgery. The surgery was the end point. I was then threshed to embark on another journey – the journey of Rest – one of which i am not mentally prepared for. Time is what i have. I started to question, to wonder, to doubt and even to resent. I was fearful of the journey ahead. I could see no end to this journey. “ Why? Then what, my Lord? When will this end? What next? Father, which way then?” I feel lost, helpless, useless.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.

As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Isaiah 55:8 – 9

Every task such as eating, drinking, going to the toilet and bathing seems a burden – it just zapped up all my energy. It was frustrating. Even a little tickle in my throat drove me to tears – i could not cough nor sneeze because it hurts the wound tremendously. I reacted to the antibiotics – diarrhea. I could not even laugh – the stitch hurts. The first week after the surgery seems the longest week yet in my life. It moved so slowly. I did not want to be a princess anymore – to be served and waited upon. I want to be up and moving.

“How are you feeling?” I know they cared. I did not want to lie, neither did i know how to answer the question. How am i suppose to tell people how i am feeling? I can't. Everyone around me seems so busy moving along with life, with packed schedules and deadlines. How could i bother anyone? How could i have the right to steal their already jammed packed hours? I cant. After all, i am the one who is supposedly ' very fortunate' at this moment because i can get to rest all i want. After all, i the one who is most free, who can sleep till late hours. How could i bother anyone with my self destructing thoughts and wild questions? I just want to get well and move on in life.

Jesus loves me. He was, He is and He will be with me. I know He has plans for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. ( Jer 29:11). It was tough. I know He must had planned this for me and had allowed it to happen. I know this is His discipline of Rest for me. I know i had to learn the lesson of humility, the lesson of receiving, the lesson of stillness. I know i had to learn the lesson of trust and obedience. I know He had allowed this to happen for a purpose – a greater purpose yet revealed to me. Toughest lessons yet for me.

There remains, then a sabbath-rest for the people of God; for anyone who enters God's rest also rests from his own work, just as God did from his. Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will fall by following their example of disobedience.
Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus Christ the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess.

Hebrews 4: 9 – 11, 14.

Father, teach me, discipline me, to learn the lessons you had set forth for me. Father, teach me not to eager for short cuts, easy ways. Father, teach me to walk along with you and not ahead. Father, open my eyes, open my heart to see your ways. Father, open my ears to hear you.

I thank God for placing timely angels along my path during this season – angels who prayed for me, who encouraged me, who cheered me on. Thank you. It had been 3 weeks since i was wheeled into the freezing operating theater. I know i have a choice – i can either continue to dwell in self destructing thoughts, or i can choose to give thanks and recall His blessings and move on for His greater purpose. I have decided to move on.

It was you, my dear friends and brothers and sisters in Christ – your prayers, your love, your time, your concerns, your thoughts, your encouragements and your cheers that carried me though this period. Now, i have chosen to look back to share His love, His providence, lessons learned and i have chosen to look forward to His greater promises and greater plans for me.



The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3: 17

Stillness

BE STILL, AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD - Psalm 46:10a

Sister, this is for you. Don't cry anymore ......

By day the LORD went ahead of me in a pillar of cloud to guide me on my way ...... Exodus 13: 21

8th May 2007, morning

“I am booking a ticket and returning back to Singapore to see a doctor” I declared suddenly. I will be taking the first flight out on 10th May.

“i will most likely be back in a weeks time”. I assured the staff and children. I did not even bring my laptop nor any of my soft toys along. I was confident that i will be fine and i will be back.

9th May 2007, afternoon

“What time is your flight? I will pick you up.”, Big sister

“I can get the doctor to write a meno for subsidy and arrange for an appointment for you.”, Second sister.

10th May 2007, morning devotion with the staff, 7.30am

Mark 5: 21 – 43

He said to her, “ Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.” Mark 5:34

My staff prayed for me.

10th May 2007, morning, 8.56am

“Hi Praise God! Dr Kek made a very special concession for you. This slot is especially created for you. You must be at Mount Elizabeth by 8am sharp on the 11th, Friday.”, sister – in – Christ.

Dr Kek is a Christian gynecologist, one of the best in the circle.

10th May, 2007, afternoon at a friend's place, 3.47pm, Phnom Penh

“My Lord, what is happening to me? i am tired. Really tired. Grant me rest.”, I pleaded with tears streaming down. Alone in the living room.

“You can sleep in my room if you want......” , sister – in- Christ.

10th May 2007, night at Pochentong international airport. 8.00pm

“Hey,you are returning home too?” I bumped into a missionary who had been serving in Cambodia for 10 years.

“ I am returning to see a doctor.......”

“I had numerous fibroid growth. I went for the first surgery to remove them, but ultimately, the doctor removed my whole uterus the second time as he said the chances of it recurring is very high.....yes, it is an open surgery to remove the fibroids.”

“ Father, let it not be fibroids.”, i brushed it aside. It could not happen to me. I am still so young. It is just some hormonal imbalance.

11th May 2007, morning at the clinic, Mount Elizabeth Hospital

“I see a very big uterus. I see a very large fibroid growth. It is pressing down on your bladder. You will need to go for a surgery as soon as possible to remove it.”, doctor.

Blank.

I did not know how i made it home alone that day.

11th May 2007, afternoon, home

“You are very anemic. Your hemoglobin level is only at 8.2g. The normal is at least 12 - 13g. You need to bring it up to at least 10 or 11g before we can do the surgery. You need to take a double dosage
of the iron tablets.Your heart is already compensating. You must not exert yourself.”, doctor called to inform.

Shocked.

I was very very tired. But i just could not sleep that afternoon.

Prayed.

See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way and to bring you to the place I have prepared – Exodus 23:20
As i recount my hours and days, indeed my Lord had sent numerous angels ahead of me.

Father, grant me courage to journey along with You during this season.

Peace.



Do not be afraid my child, I will be with you in each and every step.

God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will i forsake you.” (Heb 13: 5)

Sin of Omission

28th April 2007

Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins. - James 4:17

Sin of omission. What is it exactly about?


I was disturbed during the meeting with my colleagues and director today. My director had wrongly accused a volunteer of a justifiable angry grumble - which i totally understood where the volunteer was coming from. Yet, none of us spoke up. None. Silence.

Father, what would You have done? Would You have spoken up? Is this what You meant by sin of omission? I really felt bad then after the meeting. However i am not sure if i should have spoken up though.

Father, teach me discernment and wisdom to know the times when i should speak up, and those when i should keep silent.

Father, will you accept my small cake of bread?

27th April 2007

Together with my colleagues, i went through a management training course by my executive director this afternoon. The topic was on strengths, weaknesses and talents of ourselves, staffs and children.

Talents ( as defined by my director ) - Whatever you can do repeatedly very well and very fast; something which not many people can do better than you.

“ What is your talent?”

I was taken aback for a moment. I recalled a conversation with a friend. “ Hey Siew Lee, you can't cook, you can't swim, you don't really play sports, you don't drive, you can't sing. What can you exactly do?” What are my talents, my strengths?

I used to think patience is my strength, until i realized how short tempered i can be.
I used to think i am empathic, until i realized how cynical i can get.
I used to think i am caring, until i realized how hardhearted i had became.
I used to think i am loving, until i realized how self – centered thoughts had engulfed me.

Father, what are my strengths? My spiritual gifts? Seriously at this stage of my life, i have got no answer.

She replied, “ I don't have any bread – only a handful of flour in a jar and a little oil in a jug. I am gathering a few sticks to take home and make a meal for myself and my son, that we may eat it – and die.” - 1 Kings 17: 12b

My dear friends, no. I am not slipping into depression. For i know that our Lord has given us different gifts according to His grace. I just have yet to realize mine.

Though i cannot cook, much less bake, i am certain that my Father will accept my surrendered cakes of bread made from my handful of flour and drops oil - smashed, tasteless, half baked, burnt pieces - He will take them All.

Elijah said to her,” Don't be afraid. Go home and do as you have said. But first make a small cake of bread for me from what you have and bring it to me, and then make something for yourself and your son. For this is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: 'The jar of flour will not be used up and the jug of oil will not run dry until the day the Lord gives rain on the land. She went away and did as Elijah had told her. So there was food everyday for Elijah and for the woman and her family. - 1 Kings 17: 13 – 15

Father, here are my tiny little pieces of burnt and smashed bread. I am giving them to you. Take it.

Child-like Faith, Child-like Courage

She is a 5 year old girl, with faith as mighty as a mustard seed. Together with her older siblings, they went home to their grandmother's house during the Khmer (Cambodian) New Year two weeks ago.
The youngest and tiniest among her siblings, she, boldly 'rebuked' their grandmother for praying to the idols, 'they are the devils!!' she boldly proclaimed!
Such mighty faith, such conviction, such courage.

“ Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?”
He called a little child and had him stand among them. And he said: “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.”

Matthew 18:1 – 4

Father, teach me child-like faith and total trust in you. Father, grant me courage and boldness to proclaim your name.