Let Go and Let God

As children bring their broken toys, with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams (thoughts) to God, because He is my friend.
But then instead of leaving Him in peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help with ways (thoughts) that were my own.
At last, I snatched them back again and cried, “How can you be so slow?”
“My child”, He said,” What could I do? You never let go.”

Anonymous

I fear the possibility of complications. I fear going through the tests and jabs. I fear the possibility of another diagnosis which I don’t think at this juncture, I am prepared to go through it again even with the Lord. When the Lord asked, “Xiuli, are you willing to accept whatever I am going to give you for my sake and glory?” Ashamedly, my answer was a definite “No. No Lord, Not again. I don’t think I can handle it, even with You. No Lord. No.”

I didnt realised till now how 'tramautised' i was over all the jabs and scans. Now i know i must have been carried in His Hands all along during the jabs and surgery. It must have been His Grace and Strength that kept me going on so calmly and confidently.

However I refused to surrender this time. I refused to draw from His Strength. No Lord, I am not willing. I do not want to go through the series of tests and jabs again. No Lord, please no. I pleaded. I did not want to surrender. I did not want to see the doctor. I did not even want to bring my fears and thoughts to God.

Finally after struggling for a week, I decided to take the first step and brought my thoughts to the Lord in my bedtime prayers last night. Father, teach me and grant me the courage to “Let Go”. Father, teach me to surrender, just as Abraham did.

Father, I want to place my trust in You.

I want to be a candy man

Enjoy the song ;o)


Everyone has been asking me what I am doing now. Somehow, the word ‘unemployed’ seems a taboo. I went to the East Coast Park with my family last Saturday and saw the cotton candy man selling candy floss. A funny and cheeky thought came to me – I want to sell cotton candy ;o)

Allow me to indulge in my fantasy for the moment ( while I still can ;P)…… I want to be a Candy man.


hmm, or perhaps this kind of candy shops?

Pray and believe and it shall be done

But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double minded man, unstable in all he does.
James 1: 6-8

30th May 2007, night

Ask and you will receive. I am ashamed and guilty that I often asked with little confidence and true conviction that I will receive. But God is good. He had never disappointed me. Nevertheless, the lesson of ‘Praying with faith’ is one that I must learn.

All the children, the staffs in the orphanage, the congregation in Prey Veng Christian Centre (PVCC) and the Methodist church (Prey Veng), my brothers and sisters from Emmaus EFC, Bedok Methodist church and many who care were all praying for me – for my haemoglobin to rise to a surgery safety level i.e from 8.2g/dL to 12g/dL and above.


“We are all praying for you”
“It’s not possible. It would be a miracle if it happens.”
“Siewlee, we are all praying for you, believing that Jesus loves you and He will cause your haemoglobin to rise. We are praying and believing that it will happen. How could you not believe and doubt what God can do for you?”

I was ashamed. I had actually doubted what my loving and mighty God would and could do for me.

“Have faith in God,” Jesus answered. “I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him.” Mark 11:23

Then on, I prayed with my whole heart, really believing that my Lord will perform the miracle. He did.


My prayer life changed. I used to pray with words, now I learned to pray with my heart.

If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer – Matthew 21: 22

" Sister, sister ......"

"Sister, sister ......" - how once these words meant attention, problems, giving and energy. That day, these words meant fragrant offerings and love.

“Sister, sister” - these words still ring loudly in my mind. How I wish I could still hear them once again.

25th May – 1st June 2007

Despite the anaemia label hanging over me then, I was granted the privilege of returning to Prey Veng Province, Cambodia – my home for the last 2 years. I am grateful for my parents’ permission to return and to my brothers and sisters in Christ for your prayers and blessings. I also appreciate the thoughts and intentions of some of you who wanted to accompany me back on this trip. I know many of you were worried and I really appreciate all your intercessions. Thank you very much.

When the vehicle turned into the orphanage, I was overwhelmed with the reception and greetings from the children and the staff.

“ Sister, how are you?”
“ Sister, you gave me your blood last year, now I am well, I can give my blood to you”
“ Sister, how much blood do you need? I can give mine to you.”
“ Sister, we were so worried and we miss you very much.”
“Sister, please don’t leave us.”
“ Sister, we have been praying for you three times a day.”
“ Sister, are you still in pain?”
“ Sister, when is your operation?”
“Sister, what did the doctor said?”
“Sister, are you ok?”
……….

I was deeply touched by their love and generosity. Father, I thank you for them, for each of their prayers, for their love, for their hearts. I thank you for the numerous lessons they had taught me.

Father, I pray that you would also teach me to do the same – to forgive, to love, to give and to intercede.

Father, I pray that you will continue to shower your abundant blessings upon each and everyone in the orphanage, you will continue to guide them in Your way and you will keep the evil one far away.

Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
Ephesians 5: 1 – 2

My Physician, My Healer, My Lord

But for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.

Psalm 73: 28

7th May 2007

That night, I was in bed, deeply burdened by the numerous on-goings in the orphanage in the past week. As usual, I said my bedtime prayers.

However, something was different that night. My CD player was on with some gospel tracks and my standing reading lamp was turned on beside my bed. I was certain I was awake. It was an overflowing sense of comfort and warmth I felt then. I knew I wasn’t alone. He was with me.

I sense a vision of a doctor bending over me on my left, examining me.

I had been having prolonged menstruation since December 2006. The inconvenience and discomfort had silently integrated into my daily life.

“Lord, is there something really physically wrong with me?” I asked.

I had never liked to consult the doctors even in Singapore due to the high charges. In fact, I had never seen a doctor during my 2 years in Cambodia. I always believe in mind over body and self medication.

It was not a rebuke that night, commanding me to see a doctor. It was simply a gentle nudge urging me that something needs to be done. I was troubled. “Father, are you calling me back to Singapore for a check up?”

I made the eccentric decision to return to Singapore for a check up. And that was the start of another journey with Him on 11th May 2007.

Through this encounter with Him, I can’t help but am amazed at my God – at how He preserved me and how He led me back.

We are often asked who Jesus is to us - Our Saviour, our Lord, our King, our Strength, our Shepherd, our Comforter …….

That night, Jesus was my Physician, who cautioned and convinced me that I needed to seek medical help. His favour must have been upon me.

Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare. – Psalm 40: 5

Thank you Jesus, Thank you my Lord.

This Little Light of Mine

This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine. (3x)
Let it shine.(3x)

Hide it under a bushel?
No! I'm gonna let it shine. (3x)
Let it shine. (3x)

Won't let Satan blow it out,
I'm gonna let it shine. (3x)
Let it shine. (3x)

Let it shine till Jesus comes,
I'm gonna let it shine. (3x)
Let it shine. (3x)

Choices

It has been a long time since I wrote ......

Events had rushed past me in the last 2 months since I first returned to Singapore on 10th May. I had been carried along by events. I just had to move on. The diagnosis came as a shock to myself and to people around. I had no time to process through, i had no time to wrap myself in self pity or questions. I know i just had to move on. In my quiet moments, i know my Father, my Lord will be with me. Deep down, i know He will carry me through. I know many people were worried and anxious. I know i just had to be strong in the Lord – for myself and for the people who loved and cared. I am also greatly blessed by the numerous numerous prayers petitions. I had also witnessed God's miracle, providence and His love during this season. I feel really blessed, like God's precious princess warrior. I had wanted to testify, but somehow, after the surgery, my spirits dipped and dived all the way down. But i know, i still had to be strong for the people around me. Ironically, when i am physically weakest, i no longer wanted to be a princess. I wanted just to be a warrior, to be strong and healthy.

I am no longer carried along by events. I had reached the destination after the surgery. The surgery was the end point. I was then threshed to embark on another journey – the journey of Rest – one of which i am not mentally prepared for. Time is what i have. I started to question, to wonder, to doubt and even to resent. I was fearful of the journey ahead. I could see no end to this journey. “ Why? Then what, my Lord? When will this end? What next? Father, which way then?” I feel lost, helpless, useless.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.

As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Isaiah 55:8 – 9

Every task such as eating, drinking, going to the toilet and bathing seems a burden – it just zapped up all my energy. It was frustrating. Even a little tickle in my throat drove me to tears – i could not cough nor sneeze because it hurts the wound tremendously. I reacted to the antibiotics – diarrhea. I could not even laugh – the stitch hurts. The first week after the surgery seems the longest week yet in my life. It moved so slowly. I did not want to be a princess anymore – to be served and waited upon. I want to be up and moving.

“How are you feeling?” I know they cared. I did not want to lie, neither did i know how to answer the question. How am i suppose to tell people how i am feeling? I can't. Everyone around me seems so busy moving along with life, with packed schedules and deadlines. How could i bother anyone? How could i have the right to steal their already jammed packed hours? I cant. After all, i am the one who is supposedly ' very fortunate' at this moment because i can get to rest all i want. After all, i the one who is most free, who can sleep till late hours. How could i bother anyone with my self destructing thoughts and wild questions? I just want to get well and move on in life.

Jesus loves me. He was, He is and He will be with me. I know He has plans for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. ( Jer 29:11). It was tough. I know He must had planned this for me and had allowed it to happen. I know this is His discipline of Rest for me. I know i had to learn the lesson of humility, the lesson of receiving, the lesson of stillness. I know i had to learn the lesson of trust and obedience. I know He had allowed this to happen for a purpose – a greater purpose yet revealed to me. Toughest lessons yet for me.

There remains, then a sabbath-rest for the people of God; for anyone who enters God's rest also rests from his own work, just as God did from his. Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will fall by following their example of disobedience.
Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus Christ the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess.

Hebrews 4: 9 – 11, 14.

Father, teach me, discipline me, to learn the lessons you had set forth for me. Father, teach me not to eager for short cuts, easy ways. Father, teach me to walk along with you and not ahead. Father, open my eyes, open my heart to see your ways. Father, open my ears to hear you.

I thank God for placing timely angels along my path during this season – angels who prayed for me, who encouraged me, who cheered me on. Thank you. It had been 3 weeks since i was wheeled into the freezing operating theater. I know i have a choice – i can either continue to dwell in self destructing thoughts, or i can choose to give thanks and recall His blessings and move on for His greater purpose. I have decided to move on.

It was you, my dear friends and brothers and sisters in Christ – your prayers, your love, your time, your concerns, your thoughts, your encouragements and your cheers that carried me though this period. Now, i have chosen to look back to share His love, His providence, lessons learned and i have chosen to look forward to His greater promises and greater plans for me.



The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3: 17