Choices

It has been a long time since I wrote ......

Events had rushed past me in the last 2 months since I first returned to Singapore on 10th May. I had been carried along by events. I just had to move on. The diagnosis came as a shock to myself and to people around. I had no time to process through, i had no time to wrap myself in self pity or questions. I know i just had to move on. In my quiet moments, i know my Father, my Lord will be with me. Deep down, i know He will carry me through. I know many people were worried and anxious. I know i just had to be strong in the Lord – for myself and for the people who loved and cared. I am also greatly blessed by the numerous numerous prayers petitions. I had also witnessed God's miracle, providence and His love during this season. I feel really blessed, like God's precious princess warrior. I had wanted to testify, but somehow, after the surgery, my spirits dipped and dived all the way down. But i know, i still had to be strong for the people around me. Ironically, when i am physically weakest, i no longer wanted to be a princess. I wanted just to be a warrior, to be strong and healthy.

I am no longer carried along by events. I had reached the destination after the surgery. The surgery was the end point. I was then threshed to embark on another journey – the journey of Rest – one of which i am not mentally prepared for. Time is what i have. I started to question, to wonder, to doubt and even to resent. I was fearful of the journey ahead. I could see no end to this journey. “ Why? Then what, my Lord? When will this end? What next? Father, which way then?” I feel lost, helpless, useless.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.

As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Isaiah 55:8 – 9

Every task such as eating, drinking, going to the toilet and bathing seems a burden – it just zapped up all my energy. It was frustrating. Even a little tickle in my throat drove me to tears – i could not cough nor sneeze because it hurts the wound tremendously. I reacted to the antibiotics – diarrhea. I could not even laugh – the stitch hurts. The first week after the surgery seems the longest week yet in my life. It moved so slowly. I did not want to be a princess anymore – to be served and waited upon. I want to be up and moving.

“How are you feeling?” I know they cared. I did not want to lie, neither did i know how to answer the question. How am i suppose to tell people how i am feeling? I can't. Everyone around me seems so busy moving along with life, with packed schedules and deadlines. How could i bother anyone? How could i have the right to steal their already jammed packed hours? I cant. After all, i am the one who is supposedly ' very fortunate' at this moment because i can get to rest all i want. After all, i the one who is most free, who can sleep till late hours. How could i bother anyone with my self destructing thoughts and wild questions? I just want to get well and move on in life.

Jesus loves me. He was, He is and He will be with me. I know He has plans for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. ( Jer 29:11). It was tough. I know He must had planned this for me and had allowed it to happen. I know this is His discipline of Rest for me. I know i had to learn the lesson of humility, the lesson of receiving, the lesson of stillness. I know i had to learn the lesson of trust and obedience. I know He had allowed this to happen for a purpose – a greater purpose yet revealed to me. Toughest lessons yet for me.

There remains, then a sabbath-rest for the people of God; for anyone who enters God's rest also rests from his own work, just as God did from his. Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will fall by following their example of disobedience.
Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus Christ the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess.

Hebrews 4: 9 – 11, 14.

Father, teach me, discipline me, to learn the lessons you had set forth for me. Father, teach me not to eager for short cuts, easy ways. Father, teach me to walk along with you and not ahead. Father, open my eyes, open my heart to see your ways. Father, open my ears to hear you.

I thank God for placing timely angels along my path during this season – angels who prayed for me, who encouraged me, who cheered me on. Thank you. It had been 3 weeks since i was wheeled into the freezing operating theater. I know i have a choice – i can either continue to dwell in self destructing thoughts, or i can choose to give thanks and recall His blessings and move on for His greater purpose. I have decided to move on.

It was you, my dear friends and brothers and sisters in Christ – your prayers, your love, your time, your concerns, your thoughts, your encouragements and your cheers that carried me though this period. Now, i have chosen to look back to share His love, His providence, lessons learned and i have chosen to look forward to His greater promises and greater plans for me.



The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3: 17